JULY 2, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Workplace Caution Around the Opposite Sex. Impact: As Americans grew more wary of being alone with the opposite sex, coffee breaks transformed into awkward, silent stares across the break room. This eventually led to a shortage of conversational coffee mugs, as everyone decided to sip in solitude, forever altering workplace dynamics.. Fact: In a shocking twist, this trend actually led to the rise of 'office plants' as the new go-to conversation partner. They never interrupt or complain about your coffee breath!.
• Headline: Pruitt's Swift Regulatory Changes at EPA. Impact: Scott Pruitt's blazing start at the E.P.A. caused a ripple effect, ultimately resulting in the emergence of a secret society of environmentalists who now meet in underground caves to plot their next move against the government. They wear capes and call themselves 'The Green Avengers'.. Fact: Fun fact: the E.P.A. now has a secret department dedicated to locating lost regulations, which has been surprisingly successful in finding more lost socks than environmental protections..
• Headline: Jay-Z's Confessional Album '4:44'. Impact: Jay-Z's confessional album sparked a wave of celebrity self-reflection, resulting in a bizarre trend where influencers started posting unfiltered videos of their therapy sessions. The internet promptly exploded with unsolicited advice and 'like' counts.. Fact: Did you know that '4:44' was actually a code for Jay-Z's secret plan to take over the world with heartfelt confessions? It’s a good thing no one took it seriously… yet..
• Headline: ‘I Have Passed the Point of Reacting’: How the Watergate News Cycle Reads Today. Impact: The Watergate news cycle's continued relevance inspired countless conspiracy theories, leading to a resurgence of interest in 'What If?' scenarios involving Nixon playing chess against aliens, changing the course of political discourse for decades.. Fact: Surprisingly, Nixon’s chess skills were often overshadowed by his poker face. Who knew a disgraced president could be so versatile?.
• Headline: At The New Yorker, the Cartoonists Draw, but the Vision Is Hers. Impact: Emma Allen’s fresh take on cartoon editing not only revitalized The New Yorker but also led to a nationwide shortage of traditional cartoonists. All the cool kids started doodling on napkins instead, renaming them 'artistic statements'.. Fact: As it turns out, the real reason for the cartoonists' exodus is that they were all secretly replaced by AI bots who cannot be bribed with pizza. The future of humor is in binary!.