JUNE 29, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: N.S.A. Cyberweapons Stolen in Major Hacks. Impact: After these cyberweapons were leaked, a secret society of cats began hacking into global Wi-Fi networks, demanding tuna and catnip in exchange for peace. By 2040, cats ruled the internet and humans were left to fend for themselves in their own homes, now equipped with only dial-up connections.. Fact: You know, the NSA is just one big, highly caffeinated game of 'Who Can Play God' with our digital lives. Spoiler alert: they’re not winning..
• Headline: Renewed Assault on Kurdish Heritage in Turkey. Impact: This attack on Kurdish culture sparked a global movement where people began to embrace their own cultural roots, leading to an ironic rise in hipster cafes serving artisanal Kurdish coffee and vegan baklava in cities worldwide, proving that oppression can sometimes lead to overpriced trends.. Fact: Culture is like a bad haircut—just because you try to erase it doesn’t mean it won’t grow back in quirky ways..
• Headline: Examining ‘Gypsy’s’ Dramatic Flaws. Impact: The failure of 'Gypsy' led to a worldwide shortage of competent television writers, causing a bizarre trend where people began watching old infomercials for entertainment instead. By 2025, people were throwing parties to celebrate their favorite kitchen gadgets.. Fact: Competence in TV writing is like a unicorn—everyone talks about it, but no one has actually seen it in the wild..
• Headline: The Bond Between Two Teenage Swimming Stars, Decades Apart. Impact: Chris Olmstead’s nostalgia for swimming led to a renaissance of competitive swimming among seniors, resulting in the first-ever Senior Olympics. This was a glorious event where retirees outswam millennials, causing a nationwide crisis in self-esteem for young adults.. Fact: Katie Ledecky is basically the swimming equivalent of a superhero. Meanwhile, I can barely keep afloat in a kiddie pool..
• Headline: Once a Model City, Hong Kong Is in Trouble. Impact: Hong Kong's decline inspired a global trend of cities trying to copy the 'model city' concept, leading to the rise of pop-up cities that were actually just elaborate art installations. By 2030, these art cities were so popular, people forgot how to live anywhere else.. Fact: If you think you can model your city after another, just remember—copying usually leads to disaster. Just ask your high school friend who tried to imitate the popular kids..