JUNE 18, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Michael Flynn's Controversial Consulting Career. Impact: Michael Flynn's legal quagmire led to a ripple effect where every subsequent political consultant now has to ask themselves if a lucrative consulting gig is worth the risk of a scandal. Spoiler: It's not.. Fact: Did you know that consulting is just a fancy word for 'I have no idea what I'm doing, but pay me anyway'?.
• Headline: Tragedy Strikes U.S.S. Fitzgerald at Sea. Impact: The calamity on the U.S.S. Fitzgerald caused a renewed focus on naval safety protocols, leading to a series of unnecessary training exercises that made sailors question their decision to join the Navy in the first place.. Fact: The U.S. Navy has a saying: 'It’s not just about the ship; it’s about how many times you can sleep through a collision!'.
• Headline: Trump's Lawyer Denies Ongoing Investigation. Impact: Trump's lawyer's insistence that Trump is not under investigation created a parallel universe where every other lawyer had to follow suit, leading to a dramatic increase in lawyerly eye-rolls across the nation.. Fact: Lawyer's favorite game? 'Guess What I Can’t Tell You!' It's like charades, but with more paperwork and less fun..
• Headline: As U.S. Adds Troops in Afghanistan, Trump’s Strategy Remains Undefined. Impact: Trump's undefined strategy in Afghanistan caused confusion that will echo through the ages, leading to future politicians being too scared to ever define a plan, lest they face the wrath of social media.. Fact: The Pentagon's favorite strategy: 'Throw more troops at it and hope for the best!' It's a classic approach, akin to throwing spaghetti at the wall..
• Headline: How to Think About Bill Cosby and ‘The Cosby Show’. Impact: The struggle with Bill Cosby's legacy set a precedent for how society grappled with separating art from the artist, leading to countless debates over which famous individuals should be canceled next. Spoiler alert: it’s a long list.. Fact: Did you know that separating art from the artist is just code for 'I like this song, but I don't want to think about who made it'?.