JUNE 15, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Men Interrupting Women: A Social Study. Impact: This event triggered a time loop where men across centuries felt the need to interrupt women, leading to an alternate universe where women invented time machines just to escape the interruptions. Spoiler: they succeeded.. Fact: Did you know that historically, women have been interrupted so often that they could probably write an entire encyclopedia titled 'How to Speak Over a Man'?.
• Headline: Mueller Investigates Trump's Possible Obstruction. Impact: In a twist of fate, this investigation led to a series of events where every president thereafter had to take a mandatory 'How to Not Obstruct Justice' class, resulting in a new form of political yoga.. Fact: Did you know that in an alternate timeline, the phrase 'obstruction of justice' was replaced with 'creative administration'?.
• Headline: Tragic Shooting of Virginia Lawmakers. Impact: The cycle of violence escalated, and in a bizarre twist, lawmakers began wearing protective gear during sessions, leading to a world where debates looked more like gladiatorial matches.. Fact: Did you know that in ancient Rome, politicians also needed protection, but their swords were more effective than their arguments?.
• Headline: With ‘1984’ on Broadway, Thoughtcrime Hits the Big Time. Impact: This adaptation inspired a new wave of dystopian theater, where every performance ended with the audience pondering their own existence instead of enjoying a night out. Thanks, Orwell.. Fact: Did you know that '1984' became a popular date for couples looking for a romantic evening, as long as they didn't mind discussing surveillance over dinner?.
• Headline: America’s Collision Course With China. Impact: The publication of these books caused a rift in the space-time continuum, leading to a reality where American and Chinese leaders started communicating exclusively via interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that in this timeline, the phrase 'radically different world order' is often replaced with 'let's just wing it'?.