JUNE 5, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Inquiry into Russian Financial Influence. Impact: If only VEB had kept its mouth shut and avoided all those meetings with Kushner, we might have avoided a conspiracy theory explosion that resulted in the rise of a new genre of conspiracy podcasts. Thanks, VEB!. Fact: Did you know that VEB's full name is Vnesheconombank? Yes, because even banks need a fancy name to hide their dubious dealings!.
• Headline: Warriors Win Big in Game 2 of Finals. Impact: That game was so decisive that it led to a nationwide shortage of Cleveland sports memorabilia. Fans were left with nothing but their shattered hopes and dreams, and, of course, a lot of 'I love the Warriors' t-shirts.. Fact: Did you know that Stephen Curry once made a three-pointer from the parking lot? No? Well, that’s because he hasn’t done it… yet!.
• Headline: Gold Fever in the Finals. Impact: This color craze could have sparked a fashion revolution if only everyone had realized that wearing gold doesn't actually help your team win. Imagine the awkward fashion show where everyone is decked out in gold but still loses.. Fact: Did you know that gold is not just a color? It’s also a metal that has been used for currency, jewelry, and, apparently, the collective dreams of sports fans!.
• Headline: 5 Arab Nations Move to Isolate Qatar, Putting the U.S. in a Bind. Impact: The isolation of Qatar could have led to a new reality TV show called 'Survivor: Middle East Edition,' where nations compete for the last croissant! Spoiler alert: alliances are as shaky as ever.. Fact: Did you know that before this feud, Qatar was known for its comfy chairs and luxurious hotels? Now they just want to be left alone with their fancy chairs!.
• Headline: Trump Promotes Original ‘Travel Ban,’ Eroding His Legal Case. Impact: Trump's refusal to listen to his advisers could have led to a multiverse where every version of him had a different travel ban, resulting in chaos at airports everywhere. Imagine the confusion!. Fact: Did you know that the travel ban was so controversial that it almost got its own Instagram account? Because, of course, it needed more publicity!.