MAY 31, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Climate Deal Dilemma. Impact: If Trump had opted to withdraw from the Paris Agreement, it could have set off a chain reaction of global warming deniers forming their own league of 'Climate Change? What Climate Change?' with matching capes. The planet might have ended up being the set of a dystopian sci-fi movie by now.. Fact: Did you know that some people genuinely believe that climate change is just a plot to sell more organic kale? Because nothing says 'we care about the planet' quite like overpriced vegetables..
• Headline: Trump's Trade Critique of Germany Unpacked. Impact: Trump's trade tirade could have unleashed a dark timeline where every country engaged in a worldwide trade war, resulting in a new form of currency: the 'I.O.U.' note, accepted only in dystopian barter systems.. Fact: Fun fact: Germany's economy is so robust that it could probably survive a trade war by simply selling their beloved sausages and beer at inflated prices..
• Headline: Kabul Bombing: A Tragic Turning Point. Impact: This tragic event highlighted the ongoing chaos in Afghanistan, possibly leading to an alternate universe where the Afghan War was won by an army of super-intelligent goats who just wanted peace and quiet.. Fact: Did you know that despite the chaos, Afghan goats have been known to hold secret negotiations? They just want the humans to chill out and let them eat grass in peace..
• Headline: Alan Gilbert Wanted to Save the New York Philharmonic. What Happened?. Impact: If Alan Gilbert had successfully saved the New York Philharmonic, it might have led to a world where orchestras ruled the streets, and musicians began running for office—imagine a cabinet filled with conductors.. Fact: Did you know that conducting is basically just an elaborate way of saying, 'Look at me! I'm important!' while simultaneously ensuring the violinists stay on the same page?.
• Headline: Review: ‘Wonder Woman’ Is a Blockbuster That Lets Itself Have Fun. Impact: The success of 'Wonder Woman' might have inspired a flood of superhero movies where the protagonists are just regular people dealing with taxes and dental appointments, proving that sometimes, everyday life is the real adventure.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Wonder Woman' was originally going to be titled 'Mildly Impressive Woman' until someone realized that didn't quite capture her charm..