MAY 1, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Murdochs' Sky Network Deal Controversy. Impact: Had the Murdochs been deemed 'fit and proper,' the UK might have entered a golden age of sensationalized news, leading to a reality show presidency and coffee as the official state beverage. Who knew a few words could change everything?. Fact: Did you know that 'fit and proper' is actually a phrase used to describe whether someone is suitable for a role? Apparently, Rupert Murdoch passed that test—like a kid passing a note in class!.
• Headline: The Price of Hunger: Children Stigmatized. Impact: This could have sparked a new trend in parenting: public humiliation as a payment plan! Imagine auctioning off your child’s lunch choices on live TV. The next generation might be eating gourmet while the parents scramble to pay.. Fact: Did you know that shaming children is actually a thing? Forget about teaching them empathy; let’s just make lunch a public spectacle instead!.
• Headline: Bipartisan Agreement Averts Government Shutdown. Impact: This agreement saved the government from shutting down, which in turn delayed the inevitable chaos of 'Who Can Yell the Loudest' contests on C-SPAN. Little did they know, this would only lead to more creative ways to waste taxpayer money.. Fact: Did you know that bipartisan agreements are like unicorns? Everyone talks about them, but finding one in the wild is just as mythical!.
• Headline: My Beijing: The Sacred City. Impact: The restoration of Beijing's remnants could have led to a major uptick in tourism, ensuring that every tourist experiences the joy of taking selfies at ancient sites while ignoring the local culture—because who needs authenticity when you have Instagram?. Fact: Did you know that Beijing's history dates back over 3,000 years? Yet, somehow, the city's ability to modernize still baffles everyone!.
• Headline: Key to Improving Subway Service in New York? Modern Signals. Impact: If the M.T.A. had modernized its signals earlier, we might have seen a significant decrease in New Yorkers' collective anxiety. Alas, the delays continued, feeding the stereotype of New Yorkers as perpetually late and perpetually caffeinated.. Fact: Did you know that the New York subway system is one of the oldest in the world? It's practically a museum of bad decisions and broken signals!.