APRIL 28, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tech Giants Thrive in Cloud Computing Boom. Impact: The surge in earnings led Amazon to invest in drone delivery, which ultimately spurred the development of flying delivery robots that later caused a nationwide shortage of airspace due to their relentless buzzing. Who knew online shopping would lead to the Great Drone Wars of 2045?. Fact: Did you know that Amazon's earnings are so massive they could fund a small country's GDP? Just a reminder that the world is still run by the rich and their tech toys..
• Headline: Trump's Tax Plan Diverts GOP Fiscal Focus. Impact: This divergence in fiscal priorities set a precedent for future lawmakers to prioritize tax breaks over infrastructure, leading to a series of pothole-related disasters in the 2030s that would cause the Great Pothole Uprising. Citizens decided they preferred to be broke than to drive on craters.. Fact: It's funny how 'fiscal discipline' is only a thing when it’s not about tax cuts for the rich. Apparently, discipline is hard when there's a buffet of tax breaks available!.
• Headline: Review: A Sequel Asks, Who’s Knocking on the Door at ‘A Doll’s House’?. Impact: The sequel's exploration of Nora's life led to a theatrical renaissance, inspiring a wave of modern feminist plays that eventually culminated in a Broadway show about the life of a houseplant, which won a Pulitzer. Because who doesn't want to hear the thoughts of a fern?. Fact: A Doll’s House has had more sequels than most Hollywood blockbusters. Maybe next, they’ll make a spinoff about the door itself – working title: 'What Happens After the Slam?'.
• Headline: Sean Hannity Defends Executive as Fox News Turmoil Continues. Impact: Hannity's defense of Shine led to a bizarre media backlash where everyone suddenly started defending everyone else, culminating in a surreal moment when even inanimate objects began getting PR campaigns. Yes, your toaster now has a Twitter account.. Fact: Did you know that defending your boss on Twitter has become a new form of corporate team-building? It’s like trust falls, but with more hashtags and less physical contact!.