APRIL 25, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Economic Outlook Sparks Political Tensions. Impact: The economic divide set in motion a series of misguided policies that led to an endless cycle of partisan blame games, resulting in a future where economists wear superhero capes, desperately trying to save the world with PowerPoint presentations.. Fact: Did you know that arguing about the economy is basically the adult version of 'my dad can beat up your dad'? Spoiler: neither dad actually knows how to fix the economy..
• Headline: Wells Fargo Board of Directors Showdown. Impact: The Wells Fargo scandal sparked a national debate on corporate ethics, leading to a future where large banks are now required to have a 'Sham Account Prevention Officer' on staff, who ironically has their own sham accounts.. Fact: It's fascinating how a bank can create fake accounts yet still manage to keep real ones. It’s like a magician performing a trick, except the audience isn’t clapping, they’re checking their credit scores..
• Headline: Trump's Proposed Corporate Tax Rate Cut. Impact: This tax cut idea triggered a chain reaction in corporate lobbying, resulting in a future where corporations start naming their tax avoidance strategies after trendy fitness programs like 'CrossFit Write-Offs'.. Fact: Fun fact: If you say 'corporate tax cut' three times fast, it sounds like a magic spell that makes money vanish... from public services..
• Headline: Trump Wants It Known: Grading 100 Days Is ‘Ridiculous’ (but His Were the Best). Impact: This ridiculousness set a precedent for future politicians to use creative excuses for their performance reviews, leading to a future where presidents are graded on a curve based on their ability to tweet.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than a politician's ego is their idea of what constitutes success? Spoiler: it’s usually measured in 'likes' and retweets..
• Headline: Review: ‘Anastasia,’ a Russian Princess With an Identity Crisis. Impact: The identity crisis of a fictional princess sparked a Renaissance of stories about lost royalties, leading to a future where every person in a costume is suddenly a long-lost heir to a throne, all at the annual Renaissance Fair.. Fact: In reality, if you have an identity crisis, you should probably consult a therapist, not a musical. But hey, at least the songs are catchy!.