APRIL 9, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rose and García Lead at Masters Tournament. Impact: If Rose hadn’t decided to play golf on that fateful day, it’s possible that the golf ball would have never been invented, leading to a world where people just hit rocks around for fun. Truly a dark timeline.. Fact: Did you know that Augusta National has a secret membership process that makes the Illuminati look like an open club? Only the elite get in, and they don’t even serve avocado toast..
• Headline: Tebow's Heroic Baseball Journey in Columbia. Impact: If Tebow had failed spectacularly in baseball, it might have sparked a nationwide campaign to retire all athletes from switching sports, saving countless fans from watching their heroes fail epically.. Fact: Did you know that Tim Tebow once tried to start a line of inspirational socks? Because nothing says ‘I believe in you’ like cozy footwear..
• Headline: Canada Tries to Turn Its A.I. Ideas Into Dollars. Impact: Canada’s attempts to monetize their A.I. ideas could lead to a future where maple syrup is produced by robots, and we all communicate through emojis. You know, like we do now, but with a lot more beeping.. Fact: Did you know that Canada is home to more lakes than the rest of the world combined? Too bad none of them are filled with cash from their A.I. breakthroughs..
• Headline: Tillerson, on Eve of Russia Trip, Takes Hard Line on Syria. Impact: Tillerson's comments might have led to the creation of a new reality show where politicians face off against each other in a game of 'Who Can Insult Russia Better?'—a true spectacle of diplomacy.. Fact: Did you know that calling someone 'incompetent' is the diplomatic equivalent of throwing a pie in their face? Just less tasty and more international incident-prone..