MARCH 21, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Shifts Focus Amid F.B.I. Inquiry. Impact: The G.O.P.'s masterful diversion tactics become the blueprint for future political campaigns. In 2040, candidates just start talking about their favorite ice cream flavors when asked about serious issues, leading to a national crisis of lactose intolerance.. Fact: The phrase 'changing the subject' has been used since the dawn of time—mostly by people who want to avoid discussing their feelings..
• Headline: House Republicans Seek Votes via NY Medicaid Shift. Impact: This seemingly minor provision shifts Medicaid costs, causing a butterfly effect where upstate New York becomes the epicenter of healthcare debates for decades. Eventually, they start a movement to bring back horse-drawn carriages as the primary mode of transportation to save on costs.. Fact: The term 'health care bill' has been so misused that it might actually refer to a piece of legislation ensuring that all citizens receive a monthly supply of kale chips..
• Headline: Review: Plunging Into Polyamory With ‘How to Transcend a Happy Marriage’. Impact: This review causes a sudden spike in interest in polyamory, leading to a society where everyone has at least seven partners, and the concept of a 'happy marriage' becomes a relic of the past—like VHS tapes and dial-up internet.. Fact: Animal sacrifice has been used in various cultures for centuries, but thankfully, modern interpretations of marriage can include just a good old-fashioned brunch instead..