MARCH 17, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goldman's Complex Ties to the White House. Impact: Goldman Sachs discovers that having too many ties to the White House is like wearing a tuxedo to a barbecue—impressive at first, but ultimately covered in mustard stains. This leads to a series of questionable investments that create a butterfly effect, resulting in a future where everyone trusts a hedge fund manager to babysit their children.. Fact: Did you know that Goldman Sachs' headquarters has more secrets than a magician's hat? But don’t worry, they still manage to pull a rabbit out of it every fiscal quarter..
• Headline: Reviving Arthur Miller's 'The Price'. Impact: The revival of 'The Price' reminds people that even in theater, nostalgia can be a heavy burden. This sparks a movement where future playwrights start reimagining classic works as TikTok challenges—because nothing says 'deep emotional connection' quite like 15 seconds of dance.. Fact: Did you know Arthur Miller's plays are still more relevant than most reality TV dramas? At least they have a plot—unlike certain shows where people just yell at each other over dinner..
• Headline: Norman Podhoretz Still Picks Fights and Drops Names. Impact: Podhoretz’s penchant for name-dropping creates a ripple in literary circles, inspiring a bizarre trend where authors begin to footnote their social interactions. This eventually leads to an academic paper titled 'The Social Network: A Study of Coffee Dates and Literary Rivalries.'. Fact: Did you know Norman Podhoretz has been in more intellectual spats than a cat in a room full of laser pointers? At this point, his biography could be titled 'Fights, Names, and a Side of Sass.'.