FEBRUARY 16, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bull Market Surges Amid Political Turmoil. Impact: Ignoring the chaos in Washington created a time ripple that led to a generation of investors who now think they can ignore political instability altogether. Spoiler: They can't.. Fact: Investors have been known to ignore headlines for centuries—mainly because they believe every 'bull market' is just a cow in disguise..
• Headline: Trump's Shift on Government Leaks. Impact: Trump's love for leaks fading resulted in a timeline where future presidents learned to love their secrets even more, ensuring that transparency became the rarest of commodities.. Fact: Ironically, Trump's administration was like a leaky boat; everyone was trying to patch it up while still enjoying a leisurely cruise..
• Headline: Asian Conglomerates Seek U.S. Investment Opportunities. Impact: Asian conglomerates investing in U.S. funds led to a future where American investment firms were like kids in a candy store—sugar-high and potentially hyperventilating from too much cash.. Fact: It's funny how much investors love a good deal; they’ll scour the globe but still forget to check under their own couch cushions..
• Headline: White House Plans to Have Trump Ally Review Intelligence Agencies. Impact: Having Trump allies review intelligence agencies sparked a paradox where intelligence became less about facts and more about who had the best PowerPoint presentation.. Fact: In the future, we might find this review process was just a very elaborate game of 'who can get the most likes on social media.'.
• Headline: Review: ‘Man From Nebraska’ Delivers a Midlife Crisis of Faith. Impact: The midlife crisis of faith in 'Man From Nebraska' gave birth to an entire generation of existential theater-goers who now question if their popcorn is even real.. Fact: The play's protagonist probably found out that questioning everything is a slippery slope—next thing you know, you're questioning the very fabric of your wardrobe..