FEBRUARY 10, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gorsuch's Judicial Criticism and Trump Feud. Impact: Gorsuch's non-comment could have sparked a chain reaction, leading future Supreme Court justices to realize they can just hold their breath until the next election. Who knew silence could be so powerful?. Fact: Fun fact: Gorsuch's name is actually a combination of 'gore' and 'such,' which is pretty fitting for a courtroom drama, don't you think?.
• Headline: Revival of 'Sunset Boulevard' Shines Brightly. Impact: This revival could have revitalized the entire musical industry, leading to a resurgence of shows where the plot is secondary to the star power. Who cares about the story when you have a Glenn Close close-up?. Fact: Andrew Lloyd Webber once tried to make a musical about a toaster. Spoiler alert: it was a flop. Who knew bread could be so dramatic?.
• Headline: Going Home to Falluja, a City Slipping Back Into Turmoil. Impact: Falluja's turmoil could be the catalyst for countless future conflicts, proving that rebuilding a city is just as hard as trying to teach a cat to fetch. Spoiler: it won't end well.. Fact: Falluja was once known as the 'City of Mosques.' Maybe if they had more mosques and fewer fighters, things would have turned out differently!.
• Headline: What We’re Fighting For. Impact: This statement could have inspired an alternate universe where moral courage was recognized as a form of self-defense, causing a surge in yoga classes and meditation retreats. Peace through yoga, who knew?. Fact: Interestingly, 'moral courage' is often mistaken for actually taking out the trash without being asked. Turns out, both require guts!.