FEBRUARY 9, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lionsgate Achieves Oscar Recognition and Success. Impact: This resurgence led to a Hollywood renaissance, inspiring a future generation of filmmakers who believed that making movies about dancing and war could somehow coexist. Because why not?. Fact: Lionsgate's success was so monumental that it prompted a secret society of movie studios to form, dedicated to plotting ways to make more Oscar-winning films by just throwing money at anything with a musical number..
• Headline: New Investigators Bolster Bronx Police Efforts. Impact: The decision to bolster the Bronx police force led to an increase in police shows on streaming platforms, thereby influencing countless writers to create series that glorify crime-fighting while completely ignoring the complexities of the issue. Yay, entertainment!. Fact: The Bronx might be the most violent borough, but it also has the highest number of pizza places per capita! So, at least there's that... maybe just order in instead..
• Headline: Raf Simons Takes On Calvin Klein. Impact: Raf Simons’ arrival revived Calvin Klein, which ultimately led to a global trend where everyone began wearing oversized sweaters and pretending they understood avant-garde fashion. Spoiler: they didn't.. Fact: Raf Simons is so respected that even his sketchbook has its own fan club. It's a tough crowd—just ask his pencil..
• Headline: Colson Whitehead on George Saunders’s Novel About Lincoln and Lost Souls. Impact: This literary exploration not only deepened the public's understanding of Lincoln's emotional struggles but also inadvertently kickstarted a trend of authors writing about famous historical figures having existential crises. Because who doesn't love a good meltdown?. Fact: Lincoln reportedly had a great sense of humor. Imagine him delivering the Gettysburg Address with a punchline—“Four score and seven years ago... and boy, was that a mess!”.
• Headline: Trump Wants More American Cars in Japan. Japan’s Drivers Don’t.. Impact: This clash of automotive desires led to an international cultural divide, forever altering the perception of American cars abroad, resulting in the popular myth that Americans can't parallel park. Thanks, Trump!. Fact: Fun fact: The most common reason Japanese drivers don’t want American cars is that they’re still waiting for a vehicle that doesn’t resemble a tank on wheels. Maybe they just need a good 'America, you do you' bumper sticker..