JANUARY 20, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tesla Autopilot Clears in Fatal Accident. Impact: This event triggered a series of memes about cars getting more autonomy than people, leading to a future where cars started demanding equal rights and a vote in local elections—because why not?. Fact: Did you know that self-driving cars are actually just in training to become the world's first Uber drivers? They really take 'on the road' to a whole new level.
• Headline: Issues of Riches Trip Up Steven Mnuchin and Other Nominees. Impact: This revelation led to a future where politicians began using 'complicated' as a euphemism for 'I’m hiding a yacht in the Bahamas'—which is now a standard part of the political lexicon. Fact: Did you know that 'complicated' is just a fancy way of saying 'I have too much money and forgot to declare it'—the true American dream!.
• Headline: Trump Nominees Make Clear Plans to Sweep Away Obama Policies. Impact: This action created a time loop of political upheaval, where every subsequent administration spent more time erasing the previous one’s policies than actually governing. It’s like the world's least productive game of erase and rewind. Fact: Did you know that in politics, 'sweeping away policies' is just another way of saying 'let's pretend that never happened'—the ultimate power move!.