JANUARY 11, 2017

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump and Unsubstantiated Russian Claims. Impact: If Trump hadn't received this report, he might have spent less time tweeting about fake news and more time working on actual policies. Imagine a world where Twitter was just a place for cat videos and not political chaos! The butterfly flaps its wings, and suddenly we're all in a reality show nobody signed up for.. Fact: Did you know that this report was so unsubstantiated, it could have been written by a team of bored high schoolers for a drama class? Spoiler alert: it was..
• Headline: Impact of Higher Minimum Wages Explored. Impact: Raising the minimum wage might seem like a noble idea, but it turns out it could lead to a dystopian future where workers are replaced by robots who can flip burgers at an exponential rate. Just what we need—machines taking over our fast food joints and our dignity at the same time.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'may have losers' is just corporate-speak for 'let's blame the minimum wage for our failure to manage our business'? Classic!.
• Headline: Obama's Farewell Address and National Unity. Impact: Obama's farewell warnings echo through time, foreshadowing a future where people argue about the best way to wear a mask at family gatherings while ignoring the real threats to national unity. Who knew he was a time traveler with a crystal ball?. Fact: Did you know that when Obama talked about threats to national unity, he probably didn't mean your uncle’s questionable conspiracy theories at Thanksgiving dinner? Oh, wait—never mind..
• Headline: How Netflix Is Deepening Our Cultural Echo Chambers. Impact: As Netflix deepens our cultural echo chambers, future generations will likely think that the 2020s were entirely made up of superhero movies and reality shows. Historians will have to sift through endless streaming data to figure out what really happened while we were binge-watching.. Fact: Did you know that Netflix's name comes from the words 'net' and 'flex'? As in, 'net' profits and 'flex' your couch potato muscles while you ignore societal issues!.
• Headline: Trump, a New Style of Fighter, Takes the Ring. Impact: Trump’s brash style might have caused future politicians to adopt an even more outrageous persona, leading to a timeline where the presidency is a reality show competition—'The Real Housewives of the White House,' anyone? The butterfly effect in full swing!. Fact: Did you know that Trump’s news conferences were so entertaining that they could have their own category at the Emmys? Best Reality Show featuring a Former Reality Star—coming to a television near you!.