DECEMBER 3, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kentucky Suit Spotlights Campus Free Speech. Impact: The fight over free speech in colleges led to a surge in students believing they could express their wildest opinions, including the theory that pineapple on pizza is a human right. This, in turn, caused a nationwide debate that fueled a pizza war unlike any other.. Fact: Did you know that before this, the most heated debate on campus was whether or not to allow flip-flops in the library?.
• Headline: Baseball's Revenue Surge Through Labor Peace. Impact: The peace in baseball led to an unexpected spike in attendance, which eventually inspired a new trend: fans dressing up as their favorite players' most ridiculous moments. This resulted in a bizarre but beloved fashion week in cities across America.. Fact: Did you know that 'Labor Peace' is actually the name of a terrible band that only played during labor strikes?.
• Headline: G.O.P. Moves to Repeal Health Care Law. Impact: The constant flip-flopping on health care laws created a time loop, where politicians would campaign on promises made in the '90s, leading to a resurgence of mullets and neon spandex in political rallies.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'delay' was originally coined in a very different context, referring to people waiting for a pizza that was never delivered?.
• Headline: At Liberty University, All Sins Are Forgiven on the Altar of Football. Impact: The prioritization of football over ethics led to a nationwide trend where universities began offering degrees in 'Creative Excuse-Making,' resulting in a generation of graduates who can justify any action with a smile.. Fact: Did you know that the school's motto might soon be changed to 'In Football We Trust' if they can score enough touchdowns this season?.