NOVEMBER 25, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: CFPB Director Faces Political Scrutiny. Impact: When the Consumer Protection Bureau Chief braced for a reckoning, he inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to a nationwide obsession with consumer rights, resulting in the invention of the 'complaint emoji' that now graces every digital platform. Who knew a bureaucrat's anxiety could inspire a new language?. Fact: Did you know that the average American spends 50% of their day complaining about their consumer experience? That’s right, it’s practically a sport!.
• Headline: Romney vs. Giuliani: GOP Secretary of State Debate. Impact: The Republican division between Romney and Giuliani for Secretary of State caused a rift that not only weakened party unity but also paved the way for the invention of political bingo. Now, every time a politician mentions 'bipartisanship', someone yells 'Bingo!'. Fact: Did you know that political infighting is so common that it’s listed as a recognized Olympic event? The medals are made of hot air!.
• Headline: Soccer Struggles: U.S. and England Unite. Impact: The U.S. Men's Soccer team's bond with England’s misery created a cosmic link that resulted in a new genre of sad songs about soccer. Thus, the world was blessed with an endless loop of melancholic ballads that every fan can relate to, regardless of the score.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'soccer is life' was actually coined during a particularly dismal England vs. U.S. match? It’s a euphemism for 'please, just let it end.'.
• Headline: Where Marijuana Plants Flourish Under Energy-Saving LED Lights. Impact: The push for energy-saving LED lights in marijuana cultivation sparked a global revolution in indoor gardening, leading to the rise of 'green thumb' contests that replaced traditional gardening with a competition to see who could grow the largest kale plant. Because, of course, nothing says 'eco-friendly' like a contest.. Fact: Did you know that cannabis plants have more lighting demands than a Hollywood diva? They're basically the Kardashians of the plant world!.
• Headline: The Thin Gene. Impact: The discovery of the woman with a mutation keeping her on the brink of starvation attracted attention from scientists who then accidentally stumbled upon the secret to a self-dieting pizza. Yes, that’s right—one slice and you’re full for days. The world was never the same.. Fact: Did you know that the average American gains 5 pounds just by thinking of pizza? It’s a metabolic miracle waiting to happen!.