SEPTEMBER 29, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cubs' Theo Epstein Aims for Historic Win. Impact: If Epstein hadn't worked his magic, the Cubs might have remained cursed for another century, leading to a parallel universe where Chicagoans drink their sorrows away at Cub-less bars instead of celebrating a World Series win in 2016. Halloween costumes would primarily consist of sad, unadorned gray.. Fact: Did you know that Theo Epstein is actually a time traveler? He just keeps rewinding to make sure the Red Sox and Cubs get their championships. Because why not?.
• Headline: Evangelicals Seek Direction Amid Political Turmoil. Impact: As evangelical despair deepened, a secret society of disillusioned voters formed, leading to the rise of an underground movement that would eventually create a new religion based entirely on memes. Who knew that dissatisfaction could lead to the birth of meme-ology?. Fact: Fun fact: Evangelicals are great at feeling abandoned—it's basically their cardio. They could win gold medals in emotional gymnastics!.
• Headline: Ohio, Long a Bellwether, Is Fading on the Electoral Map. Impact: Ohio's fading status may have inadvertently led to a nationwide trend of states trying to out-fade each other, resulting in a bizarre competition where each state is now trying to be the least relevant. Congratulations, Kentucky—you might just win!. Fact: Did you know that Ohio used to be the political prom queen? Now it’s just a wallflower awkwardly shuffling at the edge of the dance floor, wondering where it went wrong..