SEPTEMBER 11, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton's Health Concerns at 9/11 Event. Impact: Clinton's sudden exit sparked a meme-fueled frenzy that led to the creation of a new conspiracy theory: the 'Pneumonia Protocol' where politicians secretly train for medical emergencies to escape tough crowds. This paved the way for future leaders to carry inhalers just in case the crowd gets too rowdy.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more contagious than a political scandal is a good ol' case of pneumonia? Just ask any politician..
• Headline: Violence Escalates Amid Cease-Fire Declared. Impact: The tragic escalation before the cease-fire created a ripple effect that led to even more convoluted peace negotiations, proving once again that humans are excellent at missing the point. Instead of peace, it set the stage for an international game of 'who can be the most morally ambiguous.'. Fact: In the world of conflict, timing is everything—much like a bad punchline. Unfortunately, the timing here was tragic..
• Headline: Debate Over Apple's Back Taxes in Ireland. Impact: This refusal led to a sudden surge in Irish citizens taking up accounting, hoping to balance the government books while simultaneously becoming the world's most caffeinated accountants—because nothing says 'fun' like tax evasion debates over a pint!. Fact: Fun fact: Apple is more popular in Ireland than a cold pint on a summer day. Who knew taxes could be so refreshing?.
• Headline: Amazon and Pandora to Gauge Music’s Value in the Internet Age. Impact: This move set off a chain reaction where every aspiring musician began to reconsider their life choices, leading to an explosion of sad acoustic covers of pop songs. The internet became littered with 'indie' interpretations that only your mom would appreciate.. Fact: Did you know that music streaming prices are dropping faster than a teenager's self-esteem on TikTok? At this rate, we'll be paying in 'likes' soon..