SEPTEMBER 8, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: ITT Technical Institute's Long Decline. Impact: As ITT Technical Institutes crumbled, a parallel universe emerged where students learned proper typing skills instead of becoming embroiled in financial fraud. This led to a 15% increase in typing speed across the nation—an unheralded victory for secretaries in training.. Fact: ITT once promised a future where students could become 'masters of the universe'—a lofty goal that ironically didn't include basic financial literacy..
• Headline: 1 World Trade Center's Rise in Kitsch. Impact: As the new tower gained kitsch status, a time traveler from 2075 accidentally bought a 1 WTC snow globe, triggering a worldwide obsession with tacky New York souvenirs. The global economy shifted towards collecting useless memorabilia, rendering actual goods obsolete.. Fact: 1 WTC is now so popular that it’s rumored to be the next contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' I mean, have you seen its moves?.
• Headline: China's Debt Woes and Global Implications. Impact: Soros's worries caused a butterfly effect, leading to a worldwide trend of financial panic among hedge fund managers. This ultimately resulted in the invention of a new stress-relief therapy involving interpretive dance to calm their nerves.. Fact: Soros once famously said, 'I’m not worried about China’s debt; I’m more worried about my own.' Spoiler: he was joking. But were we?.
• Headline: What’s Really Missing From the New iPhone: Cutting-Edge Design. Impact: The lack of innovative design in the iPhone 7 sparked a rebellion among tech enthusiasts, leading to the creation of the first-ever 'smartphone-free communes.' People started living off the grid, discovering things like sunlight and social interaction.. Fact: The iPhone 7 was so revolutionary that it single-handedly started the trend of people pretending to be deep in thought while holding their phones—mostly to avoid talking to others..
• Headline: The Scene at Kanye’s Show: Long Waits, Sweaty Guests and a Hobbling Model. Impact: The chaotic scene at Kanye's show inspired future fashion designers to incorporate 'hobbled' runway models into their shows, leading to an entirely new genre of fashion known as 'post-apocalyptic chic.'. Fact: Kanye’s shows have been known to cause spontaneous bouts of existential crises among attendees. Who knew fashion could be so...deep?.