AUGUST 23, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton and Trump Keep Health Records Private. Impact: In a parallel universe, if they had just released their medical records, the public might have been so obsessed with their health that they would have invented a new diet fad called the 'Presidential Detox,' leading to a nationwide avocado shortage.. Fact: Did you know that both candidates could have been the first to run for president while simultaneously being on their way to an AARP meeting? Talk about multitasking!.
• Headline: Cuomo’s Ambitious Film Studio Struggles. Impact: If this studio had succeeded, Hollywood might have been so impressed that they would have started an annual 'New York Flop Festival,' showcasing films that were just as empty as this studio.. Fact: Did you know that for $15 million, you could have built a really nice house, or perhaps fed a small nation for a year? But sure, let's build a movie studio instead!.
• Headline: Turkey's Unprecedented Unity Post-Coup Attempt. Impact: The temporary unity might have inspired a global trend where countries would have to stage a coup every few years just to get their citizens to agree on anything. 'Coup and Brew' might have become the new coffee shop vibe.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes it takes a failed coup to remind people that unity is easier than it looks? Just ask any group of siblings fighting over the last piece of pizza..
• Headline: Your Vacation Mission? Find This Stolen Horse. Impact: If they had found the horse, it could have sparked a new tourism trend where people would take vacations to search for other stolen animals, leading to the rise of the 'Animal Adventure' reality show, with terrible acting.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of horse theft, this might be the only time vacationers were encouraged to 'gallop' into action? Talk about a different kind of getaway!.
• Headline: Egyptians Take to the Streets Again, Now in Workout Gear. Impact: This fitness movement could have led to a worldwide revolution where citizens in every country would hit the streets in spandex, demanding better health policies while accidentally creating a new fashion trend: 'Protest Chic.'. Fact: Did you know that fitness protests are like regular protests, but with more sweat and fewer signs? Just imagine the smell of democracy wafting through the air!.