JULY 31, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Minority Voter Roll Purges Increasingly Subtle. Impact: This voter purging could lead to a future where only those with a valid 'How to be a Citizen' handbook can vote, resulting in a dystopian society where a single person holds the power to decide who gets to participate in democracy. Thanks, small-town bureaucrats!. Fact: Did you know that in some areas, the only thing scarier than a ghost is a voter registration form? It's true!.
• Headline: Trump vs. Khan Family Controversy. Impact: Trump's confrontation with the Khans set off a chain reaction leading to countless family dinners being disrupted by political arguments, and a sudden spike in sales of earplugs across America. Who knew a few harsh words could lead to an entire generation of people tuning each other out?. Fact: Did you know that 'confrontation' is just another word for 'let's make Thanksgiving awkward'? You're welcome!.
• Headline: Immunotherapy Breakthrough in Cancer Treatment. Impact: Immunotherapy's ups and downs may one day lead to a new trend in therapy pets—cancer-fighting dogs who also double as emotional support, because who wouldn’t want a furry friend that can outlast your medical insurance?. Fact: Fun fact: Hodgkin's lymphoma was named after Thomas Hodgkin, who probably had no idea he’d be a trivia answer for eternity!.
• Headline: Colbert Again in Character — as Himself — at the Conventions. Impact: Colbert's character revival could result in a future where everyone feels the need to perform their own version of themselves, leading to a society where authenticity is only achieved through dramatic flair and awkward pauses.. Fact: Did you know that Colbert's character is basically just a more articulate version of your uncle at parties? #RealTalk.
• Headline: Andrew Miller Deal Signals New Approach for Yankees. Impact: The Yankees trading their best players could lead to a future where all sports teams become 'multi-level marketing' schemes, convincing fans that next year's 'new recruit' is just as good as the one who left. Spoiler: they aren't!. Fact: Did you know that the Yankees' exceptionalism is basically just their way of saying 'we're too rich to care about your opinions'? Bravo, Yankees!.