JULY 19, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yahoo's Struggles Before Future Sale. Impact: As Yahoo limped toward its sale, it triggered a corporate domino effect where other tech giants began to panic and reassess their own business models. Thus began the era of 'tech companies trying to be relevant,' leading to countless absurd innovations like smart toasters and mood-sensing coffee mugs.. Fact: Did you know that Yahoo was once a verb? People would 'Yahoo' things instead of googling them. How the mighty have fallen!.
• Headline: Trump and Pence: Diverging Fiscal Views. Impact: The rift between Trump and Pence created a timeline where every subsequent political partnership is viewed with skepticism. Thanks to their combined public squabbles, future candidates now come with a mandatory 'Get Along' seminar, complete with trust falls and group hugs.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'pence' is derived from an old English term meaning 'not quite a dollar'? Fitting, isn't it?.
• Headline: Republican Convention Sparks Intense Division. Impact: The Republican Convention's chaos set a precedent for future political gatherings, leading to the invention of the 'Political Hunger Games,' where delegates compete for survival through trivia contests and interpretive dance.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'floor fight' originally referred to the actual wrestling matches that used to break out at conventions? Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be fun?.
• Headline: It’s Donald Trump’s Convention. But the Inspiration? Nixon.. Impact: Trump's Nixon-inspired theatrics sent shockwaves through the political landscape, resulting in a weird surge of 'nostalgia for past scandals.' Future candidates now feel compelled to channel past leaders, leading to a bizarre future where we might see a campaign run by someone impersonating Warren G. Harding.. Fact: Did you know Nixon was famous for saying, 'I am not a crook'? If only Trump had a similar catchphrase... 'I am not a grabber' perhaps?.
• Headline: Review: ‘Privacy,’ a Play That Urges You to Keep Your Smartphone On. Impact: The play 'Privacy' opened the floodgates to a new genre of theater where audience members could anonymously submit their secrets, leading to a theatrical renaissance of cringe-worthy confessions and awkward silence.. Fact: Did you know that Daniel Radcliffe once starred in a play where he was naked on stage? So, keeping your smartphone on is probably the least shocking part of his career..