JUNE 21, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Uber's Strategic Billion Dollar Fundraising. Impact: Uber's endless quest for cash led to a bizarre future where taxi drivers are replaced by robot squirrels, all while Uber's stock fluctuates more than a teenager's mood swings.. Fact: Did you know that Uber's business model is essentially 'let's just keep throwing money at the wall and see what sticks'? It's like a college student with a credit card..
• Headline: Trump's Campaign Financial Struggles Begin. Impact: This financial blunder sent shockwaves through the political funding world, causing a sudden surge in novelty campaign merchandise and a rise in the popularity of bake sales among political hopefuls.. Fact: Fun fact: $1.3 million is what most people spend on avocado toast in their 20s. Who knew running for president would be less financially savvy?.
• Headline: All-Female 'Ghostbusters' Controversy Explained. Impact: This controversy sparked an unexpected cultural revolution, leading to a world where every franchise gets a gender-swapped reboot, including 'Die Hard' as a rom-com starring Julia Roberts and Kevin Hart.. Fact: The original 'Ghostbusters' cast is probably rolling in their graves at the thought of a sequel. But hey, at least they know how to haunt a good box office!.
• Headline: Donald Trump Hints He May Fund Race Himself. Impact: This revelation initiated a strange new trend of billionaires treating elections like personal charity events, leading to future candidates showing up at debates with oversized checks and glittery campaign hats.. Fact: Funny how the phrase 'self-funded candidate' sounds like a euphemism for 'I have no friends willing to donate.'.