JUNE 9, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton's Victory: A Divisive Milestone. Impact: Hillary's victory sparked a series of debates that would lead to the invention of reality TV political commentary, resulting in the rise of social media influencers who now claim to be experts in everything from politics to pancake flipping.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'We need to talk' has become a euphemism for political discussions ever since? Thanks, Hillary!.
• Headline: Teen Romance on a Rhode Island Beach. Impact: The teenage romance in 'Indian Summer' inspired a generation of young adults to believe that sand and sun could solve all their problems, leading to an explosion of beach-themed therapy retreats.. Fact: Fun fact: Many believe that this play single-handedly caused a spike in sunscreen sales. So, thanks for the tan lines!.
• Headline: Market Recovery Amidst Global Uncertainty. Impact: The stock market's optimism led to people believing they could quit their jobs and live off investments, which of course resulted in a nationwide wave of regret and hastily re-written resumes.. Fact: Did you know that 'investing' is just 'guessing' with an air of sophistication? Who knew Wall Street was so fancy?.
• Headline: Drug That Killed Prince Is Making Mexican Cartels Richer, U.S. Says. Impact: The rise of fentanyl production by cartels inadvertently led to a dramatic increase in demand for anti-drug education, resulting in a new generation of anti-drug slogans that no one can remember.. Fact: It turns out that the phrase 'just say no' doesn't actually work if no one knows what they’re saying no to. Thanks for that, cartels!.
• Headline: There Are More White Voters Than People Think. That’s Good News for Trump.. Impact: The revelation about white voter demographics encouraged politicians to double down on their 'appeal to the base' tactics, leading to campaigns that are now more like reality shows than actual elections.. Fact: Did you know that in political campaigns, 'appealing to the base' now includes a mandatory dance-off? Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be entertaining?.