MAY 7, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pension Benefits Saved for Teamsters. Impact: If the Teamsters had actually lost their pension benefits, it could have led to a nationwide uprising of retirees demanding gold-plated rocking chairs. The ensuing chaos might have resulted in a new political party: The League of Golden Rockers.. Fact: The Teamsters Union has a history that dates back to the early 1900s, making them older than your average conspiracy theorist's view of the world..
• Headline: Penn State's Legal Battles Over Sandusky Settlements. Impact: Penn State's financial woes could ripple far beyond the campus; it's rumored that if they can't pay up, they'll have to sell naming rights to their library, which might soon be known as the 'Jerry's Legal Bills Library'.. Fact: In the wake of the Sandusky scandal, Penn State instituted a new motto: 'We strive for excellence, unless it involves actual accountability.'.
• Headline: West Point Raised-Fist Photo Inquiry. Impact: The raised-fist photo could inspire a new trend among military personnel. Imagine future recruits attempting to express solidarity while maintaining perfect military posture—it could lead to the most awkward group photos in history.. Fact: The raised fist has a rich history in social movements, but who knew the Army would consider it 'against uniform regulations'? Maybe they prefer a salute instead of a revolution..
• Headline: An Ayn Rand Acolyte Selling Students a Self-Made Dream. Impact: If Carl Barney's self-made dream takes off, we might see a rise in 'Ayn Rand themed' reality shows. Picture it: contestants battling it out in a capitalist gladiator arena where the last one standing wins a lifetime supply of self-help books.. Fact: Ayn Rand's philosophy has inspired many, but for every successful acolyte, there are a dozen who end up broke and wondering why their dreams didn’t pay off—just like every contestant on a reality show..
• Headline: Podcasts Surge, but Producers Fear Apple Isn’t Listening. Impact: If Apple continues to ignore podcast producers, it could inadvertently lead to a new wave of underground podcasting—imagine the hipster revolution fueled by rogue audio engineers in coffee shops.. Fact: Podcasts may be surging, but remember: for every hit podcast, there are fifty others discussing the intricacies of obscure 18th-century poetry. You're welcome, Apple..