APRIL 19, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Theranos Faces Federal Criminal Investigation. Impact: The Theranos scandal led to a nationwide distrust in startups, causing an unexpected boom in board games about medical ethics and a surge in people suddenly becoming experts in blood testing from the comfort of their couches.. Fact: Did you know that 'Theranos' is actually a combination of 'therapeutic' and 'honest'? Just kidding, it’s more like 'thera-noes' for investors..
• Headline: Obama's Diplomatic Challenge in Saudi Arabia. Impact: Obama's visit to Saudi Arabia set off a chain reaction, leading to years of awkward selfies between world leaders trying to prove they’re BFFs, despite the underlying tensions. You know, like high school but with oil.. Fact: Did you know that Saudi Arabia tried to set up a 'Welcome Obama' banner but ended up with 'Welcome to Our Turmoil'? Oops!.
• Headline: Veterans Regain Influence at G.O.P. Convention. Impact: The G.O.P. convention fight sparked a trend of older candidates wearing 'I remember when' T-shirts, leading to a resurgence of nostalgia-themed politics, where every debate included a round of 'Back in my day...'. Fact: Did you know that the term 'delegate courting' sounds like a reality show nobody wants to watch? Welcome to 'The Bachelor: Political Edition'..
• Headline: Vehicle in Convoy of U.S. Ambassador to U.N. Kills Boy in Cameroon. Impact: The tragic death of the young boy shifted the spotlight to international diplomatic security protocols, leading to stricter rules that ironically resulted in more armored vehicles and less actual human interaction. Because, you know, that always works.. Fact: Did you know that Samantha Power is known for her advocacy work? Sadly, this incident was a stark reminder that even the best intentions can have catastrophic consequences..
• Headline: Recruiting Students Overseas to Fill Seats, Not to Meet Standards. Impact: The push to recruit international students without standards led to an epidemic of 'remedial English' classes, which then sparked a big business in coffee shops that cater specifically to confused students trying to decipher their textbooks.. Fact: Did you know that 'high-pressure tactics' in recruiting is just a fancy way of saying, 'We promise you a degree if you can survive our coffee machine'?.