APRIL 8, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jacob J. Lew: Key Policies of Obama Era. Impact: If Jacob J. Lew hadn't been at the helm, we might have ended up with a reality show host as Treasury Secretary—oh wait. The financial landscape would resemble a game of Monopoly played by toddlers.. Fact: Did you know that Jacob J. Lew once had a briefcase that was more organized than the entire U.S. tax code? That's right, folks—chaos has its limits..
• Headline: Democratic Candidates Clash Over Qualifications. Impact: The bitter feud between Sanders and Clinton set a precedent for Democrats to argue about everything except actual policies—welcome to the age of 'who's more qualified to be unqualified!'. Fact: Fun fact: If you measure a political debate's effectiveness by how many credentials are insulted, this one was a gold medalist..
• Headline: The Wendel Family: New York's Silent Tycoons. Impact: The Wendel family's anti-publicity stance inspired generations of future real estate moguls to believe that anonymity was the ultimate luxury—because who needs fame when you can hoard property like a dragon?. Fact: The Wendels were so low-key that even their shadows didn't want to be seen. Ever tried to find a ghost in an empty house? Good luck!.
• Headline: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders Bring Their Battle to Brooklyn. Impact: Hillary and Bernie battling it out in Brooklyn turned a borough of bagels and pizza into the ultimate political battleground—who knew turf wars could involve more shouting than actual policy discussions?. Fact: In Brooklyn, 'home-court advantage' means you can argue over who has the best pizza while simultaneously plotting to take over the world—now that's multitasking!.
• Headline: Donald Trump’s Health Care Ideas Bewilder Republican Experts. Impact: Trump's bewildering health care ideas likely inspired future candidates to throw more spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks—because hey, who needs coherence when you can just wing it?. Fact: When asked about his health care proposals, Trump's response was so confusing that even Google needed a thesaurus to decipher it. Welcome to the age of healthcare charades!.