MARCH 15, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Breitbart News Employee Resignations Explained. Impact: The mass exodus from Breitbart triggered a secret society of disgruntled journalists who, fueled by caffeine and indignation, formed an underground news network that only reports on cat memes and conspiracy theories. The world is now 10% more distracted.. Fact: Did you know that for every employee that resigns from a controversial media outlet, a new conspiracy theory is born? It’s basically a cosmic law..
• Headline: Investors Bullish on Energy Recovery. Impact: The bullish sentiment in the energy sector led to a scramble for resources that resulted in the invention of a new energy drink made from 100% recycled fossil fuels. The world is now addicted to 'Petrol Power'—the drink that gives you a boost and a conscience crisis.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Bullish' comes from the way bulls charge. So, basically, investors are just a bunch of angry bulls smashing into the energy sector. Yikes..
• Headline: 2 Front-Runners, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, Find Their Words Can Be Weapons. Impact: The verbal sparring between Trump and Clinton inspired a new genre of reality TV where politicians debate while trying to cook gourmet meals. Spoiler alert: nobody eats anything edible.. Fact: Did you know that the only weapon politicians really need is a microphone and a camera? They can obliterate your sanity with just a soundbite..
• Headline: Review: Kenneth Lonergan’s ‘Hold On to Me Darling,’ a Study of Bad Faith (and Behavior). Impact: The play's exploration of bad faith inspired a new wave of country songs that lament the loss of authenticity in relationships. Music charts are now flooded with hits like 'I Cheated on My Cheating Heart'.. Fact: Did you know that bad faith is a concept so deep, even country music can't escape it? It's like trying to hide a bad haircut under a cowboy hat..