MARCH 11, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hedge Funds Struggle Into 2016. Impact: The hedge fund collapse of 2015 led to a global financial crisis so severe that people started using Monopoly money as legal tender. In a bizarre twist, a new currency emerged: the 'Hedge Funder,' which was worth less than the paper it was printed on.. Fact: Did you know that hedge funds are like that one friend who always borrows money but never pays you back? Yeah, they’re the financial equivalent of a black hole..
• Headline: Protests Against Trump Rallies in 2016. Impact: The protests at Trump rallies sparked a nationwide trend of 'protest tourism.' People began traveling across the country not to see landmarks but to hold ridiculous signs and get on TV. As a result, Airbnb saw a 300% surge in 'Protest Pads' – accommodations specifically for those with a flair for the dramatic.. Fact: Did you know that protesting at a political rally is like going to a concert but instead of enjoying the music, you just shout your discontent? A real crowd-pleaser!.
• Headline: Review of 'Blackbird' on Broadway. Impact: The Broadway revival of 'Blackbird' led to an unexpected renaissance of disturbing dramas, resulting in a new genre: 'Trauma Theatre.' Audiences flocked to see plays where the only outcome was existential dread, and popcorn sales plummeted as people preferred to gnaw on their own anxiety instead.. Fact: Did you know that Jeff Daniels, while not a bird, certainly knows how to make audiences squawk? One might say he's the 'Tweet' of the acting world!.
• Headline: In Republican Debate, Candidates Lower Volume as 5 Key Primaries Near. Impact: The Republican debate was so low-energy that it set a world record for the least amount of excitement generated per minute. This inspired a new form of meditation called 'Debate Stillness,' where participants sit quietly and reflect on how little was said.. Fact: Did you know that candidates lowering their volume is like a lion trying to be a kitten? Cute, but ultimately pointless..
• Headline: Filmed in New York, Starring My Home. Impact: The trend of filming in New York led to a surge in real estate prices, as buildings that appeared on-screen became instant celebrities. The 'Building Walk of Fame' was established, with real estate agents now offering tours of the 'Star Structures,' where every brick has a story.. Fact: Did you know that in New York, even buildings are divas? They demand the best lighting and only want to be filmed from their good side!.