MARCH 10, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gawker's Controversial Testimony Shocks Trial. Impact: Daulerio's outlandish suggestion led to a bizarre chain of events where tabloids began to question the morality of newsworthiness, resulting in a future where we now have entire channels dedicated to reality TV and clickbait articles about cat influencers. Who knew a courtroom would spark a media apocalypse?. Fact: Gawker became synonymous with scandal journalism, which could explain why my Aunt Linda thinks every celebrity's life is her business..
• Headline: Clinton Focuses on Jobs Post Michigan Loss. Impact: Clinton's sharpened message on jobs and trade ironically led to an increased interest in obscure jobs like 'professional cat cuddler' and 'chief meme officer,' proving that sometimes a loss can lead to the most unexpected career paths.. Fact: Hillary's pivot was so sharp that it almost broke the sound barrier, or at least that’s what the political pundits would like you to believe..
• Headline: Clinton and Sanders Debate Immigration Policies. Impact: The fiery debate between Clinton and Sanders sparked a long-term obsession with Twitter debates, leading to a future where political arguments are settled with GIF wars rather than actual policies. Because who needs comprehensive immigration reform when you can have memes?. Fact: These debates often resemble a high school cafeteria fight, but with more policy jargon and less actual fighting..
• Headline: Christians Flock to Groups That Help Members Pay Medical Bills. Impact: The rise of health care sharing ministries among Christians initiated a domino effect that led to insurance companies scrambling to create more 'spiritual' plans, including coverage for prayer sessions and faith healing. I mean, who needs actual medical science?. Fact: It's the only group where sharing is truly caring, unless you forget to pay your dues, then suddenly it's every believer for themselves!.
• Headline: Gwen Stefani Climbs Back From the Abyss. Impact: Gwen Stefani's comeback inspired a slew of pop stars to reinvent themselves, leading to the era of 'musical phoenixes,' where artists rise from breakups like they’re auditioning for a soap opera. We can thank her for all those emotional ballads we hear on repeat.. Fact: Gwen's 'rediscovers her love for songwriting' phase is basically a rite of passage for every pop star, right next to 'weird haircut' and 'unexpected collab with a country artist.'.