MARCH 6, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yale Claims First Ivy League Title. Impact: This victory sparked a chain reaction that led to an unprecedented number of Yale students deciding to pursue careers in sports management, creating a niche market for Ivy League sports camps that would eventually lead to a global obsession with elite athleticism and overpriced sweatbands.. Fact: Yale's win was so monumental that somewhere in a parallel universe, the Bulldogs are the reigning champions of every sport imaginable, including underwater basket weaving..
• Headline: Are Prices Just Numbers Now?. Impact: This realization led to a worldwide crisis in retail where consumers became so confused about pricing that they began bartering with chickens and artisanal bread, resulting in an underground economy of obscure commodities.. Fact: In a bizarre twist, the confusion surrounding prices led to the invention of the ‘just wing it’ pricing strategy, which is still used by many entrepreneurs today to sell overpriced kombucha..
• Headline: Nancy Reagan, an Influential and Protective First Lady, Dies at 94. Impact: Her passing marked the end of an era in political decorum, leading to a new wave of first ladies who decided that being influential meant wearing sneakers and tweeting, forever changing the landscape of political engagement.. Fact: Nancy's famous 'Just Say No' campaign was so effective that it inspired a generation of parents to say 'no' to everything—even to their children’s dreams of being artists..
• Headline: Not Everyone Says Headgear Is Right Fit for Girls’ Lacrosse. Impact: The headgear debate ignited a revolution in sports safety, leading to an avalanche of new protective gear that eventually became so elaborate that athletes were forced to wear full-body suits reminiscent of astronauts, forever changing the aesthetics of youth sports.. Fact: The controversy over headgear was so intense that it prompted a new reality TV show called 'Protective Gear Wars,' which ironically had no actual sports in it..