MARCH 2, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton's Primary Wins Fueled by Minority Support. Impact: Hillary Clinton's victories energized minority voters, leading to a butterfly effect where they began to demand more representation, which eventually resulted in a reality show about political campaigning called 'Real Housewives of the Senate.' Who knew democracy could be so entertaining?. Fact: Did you know that if you say 'Hillary' three times in front of a mirror, a campaign manager appears to offer you a fundraising opportunity? No? Just me then..
• Headline: Aubrey McClendon Faces Conspiracy Charges. Impact: Aubrey McClendon's conspiracy charge set off a chain reaction in the oil industry that resulted in every oil executive secretly enrolling in 'How to Not Get Caught 101' classes. Spoiler: They're still failing.. Fact: Did you know that conspiracy theorists believe that McClendon is actually a time traveler trying to prevent the oil crisis of 2040? Because, of course, time travel is easier than just using renewable energy..
• Headline: Donald Trump Overwhelms G.O.P. Rivals From Alabama to Massachusetts. Impact: Trump's overwhelming victories caused a schism in the G.O.P. that led to a new party being formed called the 'Republican Party of Alternative Facts.' Their manifesto? 'If we say it, it’s true!'. Fact: Did you know that Trump once claimed he could run for president from the golf course? Turns out, he may have been onto something—voting booths could use a side of golf carts..
• Headline: As Donald Trump Rolls Up Victories, the G.O.P. Split Widens to a Chasm. Impact: The widening split in the G.O.P. led to a new political genre called 'Reality Politics,' where every candidate must have a dramatic backstory and at least one viral video. Who needs policies when you have memes?. Fact: Fun fact: The last time a party split like this, it resulted in a popular dance move called 'The Political Cha-Cha.' Two steps forward, three steps back!.