MARCH 1, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Measuring Students' Emotional Skills Nationwide. Impact: As schools began measuring emotional skills, therapists were suddenly inundated with students who realized their joy was merely a façade. Thus began the great ‘Therapist Bubble’ of the 2020s, where emotional measurement led to skyrocketing therapy bills, and everyone learned that happiness is indeed a subjective construct.. Fact: Did you know that measuring emotional skills is just a fancy way of saying 'let's see who cries the most during finals'? Sounds like a blast!.
• Headline: Brexit Vote and Global Discontent. Impact: The Brexit vote led to a domino effect where discontented voters around the world decided that shouting louder was the best way to solve their problems. This eventually led to the rise of social media influencers as political leaders, because who wouldn’t want an Instagram star running the country?. Fact: Did you know that the Brexit vote was basically the world's way of saying, 'We can do this ourselves!'—right before realizing they had no idea what they were doing?.
• Headline: Clinton's Strategy to Counter Trump. Impact: The Clinton team's strategies became a blueprint for future political campaigns, eventually leading to the rise of debate coaches who charge $500 an hour to teach candidates how to not say 'uh' every two seconds. The ‘Art of the Debate’ became a bestseller, and the world spiraled into a coaching frenzy.. Fact: Did you know that many of those strategies were simply 'Don’t say anything that sounds like you’re from another planet'? Because that’s a winning strategy, right?.
• Headline: Review: In ‘The Wildness,’ Defenses Against Adulthood. Impact: This production inspired a new wave of adults to seek refuge in their childhood fantasies, leading to a massive spike in adult coloring books and cat videos. Thus, society collectively decided that responsibilities could wait while they binge-watched cartoons.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'adulting' was coined by people who realized their lives were just a series of unfortunate events—kind of like a bad sitcom!.
• Headline: Waste in Cancer Drugs Costs $3 Billion a Year, a Study Says. Impact: The revelation of this waste led to pharmaceutical companies rethinking their pricing strategies, resulting in the rise of 'choose-your-own-adventure' pricing models. Patients became the unwitting adventurers in a pharmaceutical-themed RPG where they had to navigate costs and dosages.. Fact: Did you know that $3 billion could fund a small country's entire healthcare system? But hey, who needs healthcare when you can have overpriced vials and a side of existential dread?.