FEBRUARY 17, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Goodman Theater's Bold Adaptation of 2666. Impact: If the Goodman Theater had successfully captured all 900 pages in their staging, we might have seen a renaissance in theater that led to the revival of 5-hour-long performances of the telephone book. Who knows, maybe we'd all be gathering in our local theaters to watch the riveting tale of 'The Yellow Pages'.. Fact: Did you know that the average attention span of a modern audience is about shorter than a TikTok video? Good luck with that 5½ hour production!.
• Headline: Obama's Supreme Court Nominee Dilemma. Impact: The Supreme Court vacancy sparked a political game of chess that eventually led to everyone assuming they could be a Supreme Court justice. By 2040, we might have seen reality shows like 'America's Next Top Justice' dominating the airwaves.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more confusing than the Supreme Court nomination process is trying to explain it to a cat. Both will just stare blankly..
• Headline: Concerns Over Landmark Preservation Decisions. Impact: The decision to prune potential landmarks led to a butterfly effect where future generations could only see the architectural wonders through grainy Instagram filters, leading to a rise in hipster nostalgia for 'what could have been'.. Fact: Did you know that some of the most famous architectural gems were once considered eyesores? Just goes to show that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder—or the Instagram filter..
• Headline: Muslims in France Say Emergency Powers Go Too Far. Impact: This backlash against emergency powers could spark a future trend of citizens forming 'Homeowner Associations for Civil Liberties', where members debate the merits of lawn gnomes versus personal freedoms.. Fact: Yes, because nothing says 'I value my rights' quite like a warrantless search conducted by someone who just got out of bed in their pajamas..
• Headline: Apple Fights Order to Unlock San Bernardino Gunman’s iPhone. Impact: Apple's fight against unlocking the iPhone set off a series of events that eventually led to all of our devices becoming sentient. In 2050, Siri will be running for office, promising to finally unlock our true potential.. Fact: Did you know that if you ask Siri to unlock your iPhone, she just rolls her digital eyes? Just wait until the machines take over; they'll really have the last laugh!.