FEBRUARY 12, 2016

Full News Archive

• Headline: Peter Liang Convicted for Akai Gurley's Death. Impact: The conviction of Officer Liang not only sparked widespread protests but also ignited a global conversation about police accountability, leading to the eventual establishment of a secret society of cats who now demand equal treatment in the justice system. You thought the protests were loud? Just wait until you hear the meows.. Fact: Did you know that Akai Gurley's death led to discussions about police training that might have actually included a section on 'How Not to Shoot Unarmed People'? Funny how that wasn't a standard module before..
• Headline: Deutsche Bank's Struggle for Stability. Impact: Deutsche Bank's woes could be traced back to a single misplaced paperclip. If only that paperclip had been in the right place, perhaps the bank would have avoided a series of unfortunate events leading to the rise of a new breed of financial advisors who only accept payment in artisanal avocado toast.. Fact: Did you know that Deutsche Bank is so big they could probably lend you a dollar, and then charge you interest on your own money? Talk about a financial black hole!.
• Headline: Concerns Over Central Banks and Growth. Impact: The concern over central banks potentially hindering growth caused a ripple effect resulting in a secret convention where economists began playing a new game called 'Monetary Policy Roulette'—the stakes? Global stability. The results? Well, let's just say everyone left with fewer marbles.. Fact: Did you know that when central banks lower interest rates, it's just their way of saying, 'We're super sorry for everything'? Kind of like your friend who cancels plans but offers to buy you a drink next time—except this time, it's just billion-dollar bailouts..
• Headline: Review: A Campus Caldron Too Hot to Touch in ‘Smart People’. Impact: The drama in 'Smart People' inspired a sudden surge in college applications for liberal arts programs, resulting in a new generation of students who believe their emotional intelligence will get them a job as a professional Instagram influencer. Spoiler alert: it won't.. Fact: Did you know that the cast of 'Smart People' probably had more degrees than a thermometer? Yet, even they couldn't solve the riddle of why everyone still uses 'LOL' unironically..
• Headline: In Democratic Debate, Hillary Clinton Paints Bernie Sanders’s Plans as Unrealistic. Impact: Hillary's attempt to undermine Bernie triggered a wave of political memes that forever changed the landscape of modern campaigning. Now, instead of debates, we just have Twitter wars and TikTok dances to decide the next leader. Who knew democracy could be so entertaining?. Fact: Did you know that after the debate, Hillary's campaign staff had to create an entirely new position called 'Meme Strategist'? Turns out, sarcasm can be a political tool too—who would have guessed?.