DECEMBER 8, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ex-Im Bank Reauthorized Amidst Loan Challenges. Impact: The reopening of the Ex-Im Bank led to an unforeseen surge in demand for exotic trade commodities, resulting in a bizarre trend where Americans began importing rare sea cucumbers. Fast forward a decade, and sea cucumbers become the new avocado toast, fueling a social media frenzy.. Fact: Did you know that the Ex-Im Bank has funded everything from airplanes to... well, sea cucumbers? Talk about diversification!.
• Headline: Oil Price Decline Following OPEC Decision. Impact: The 5% plunge in oil prices led to a global scarcity of fancy oil lamps, sending hipsters into a frenzy and igniting a candle-making renaissance. Who knew that OPEC's decision would lead to a light source shortage for candlelit brunches?. Fact: Did you know that oil prices drop faster than a toddler's temper tantrum? Who needs stability in the market when you can have dramatic price swings?.
• Headline: Janet Wolfe, Gothamite on a First-Name Basis With Her Era, Dies at 101. Impact: Janet Wolfe's passing marked the end of an era, leading to a sudden spike in nostalgia for the pre-Instagram days. A mysterious surge in people seeking out physical books and handwritten letters occurred, causing conspiracy theorists to claim the rise of 'analog activists.'. Fact: Did you know that Janet Wolfe was so influential, she could have probably made a 'talking' cat popular just by mentioning it? Talk about star power!.
• Headline: U.S. Seeks to Avoid Ground War Welcomed by Islamic State. Impact: The U.S. effort to avoid ground war inadvertently led to the creation of a board game called 'Avoiding Ground Wars,' which became a bestseller among military strategists. They say strategy is everything, but the board game nights were a real hit at the Pentagon.. Fact: Did you know that the Islamic State believed in an apocalyptic battle? Apparently, they missed the memo that not every conflict needs a grand finale. Sometimes, less is more!.