DECEMBER 6, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.S. Rethinks Terrorism Strategy After California Attack. Impact: The rethinking of homegrown terror strategies led to a rise in ridiculous airport security measures, like removing your shoes and the infamous 'no liquids over 3.4 ounces' rule. Who knew a bottle of water could be so threatening?. Fact: President Obama’s speeches on terrorism became so frequent that they practically required their own Netflix series. Spoiler alert: it’s mostly the same plot..
• Headline: Rising Meal Plan Costs Spark Controversy. Impact: As meal plans grew expensive, students began to rely on ramen noodles as their primary food source, inadvertently sparking a global ramen renaissance. Soon, gourmet ramen restaurants were popping up everywhere, as if students were now food critics.. Fact: Universities found a way to turn food into profit. Who knew that students would pay more for a side salad than most pay for their entire meal at home?.
• Headline: Michigan State's Victory Over Iowa. Impact: Michigan State's championship win not only boosted their reputation but also led to a 20% increase in the number of people who suddenly 'always knew' they were fans. This phenomenon is widely known as ‘bandwagoning’.. Fact: The game was so close that the ball almost had its own fan club. Talk about a nail-biter — or should I say ball-biter?.
• Headline: Penis Transplants Being Planned to Help Wounded Troops. Impact: The introduction of penis transplants for wounded troops opened a Pandora's box of medical procedures, leading to awkward small talk at barbecues and a spike in awkward jokes about 'getting ahead' in life.. Fact: For a procedure that sounds like bad sci-fi, it’s surprisingly serious. Let’s hope the surgeons have steady hands — and a good sense of humor!.
• Headline: Marco Rubio, Switching Focus, Aims to Halt Ted Cruz’s Momentum. Impact: Rubio's attempt to halt Cruz's momentum led to a series of campaign gaffes that could fill a blooper reel longer than a feature film. Future politicians took notes for how not to run a campaign.. Fact: In the grand scheme of political maneuvering, switching focus is like deciding to change lanes on a highway — it usually ends with someone honking and a lot of confusion..