OCTOBER 27, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Volkswagen Diesel Suits Consolidation Efforts. Impact: If these lawyers hadn't jostled for the lead position, Volkswagen might have gotten away with their diesel deceit, leading to a world where cars are powered by fairy dust and unicorn dreams. Instead, here we are, still grappling with the consequences of corporate greed - who knew a little jostling could change the future of emissions standards?. Fact: Did you know that jostling is actually a legal term? Just kidding, it's not. But it should be, because it sounds way cooler than 'bickering.'.
• Headline: Ackermann's Chance to Impact Cyprus. Impact: Ackermann's philanthropic aspirations could have led to a golden era of banking ethics. Instead, they ended up being a cautionary tale of how one man's chance to 'give back' can sometimes cause a full-blown economic crisis and a whole lot of existential dread for the average citizen. Fact: Fun fact: 'giving back' in banking often means returning slightly less than what you took. It's like the world's worst game of Monopoly.
• Headline: President Joko Widodo of Indonesia Joins Trans-Pacific Partnership. Impact: Indonesia joining the Trans-Pacific Partnership might have paved the way for culinary diplomacy, where trade agreements are sealed with a plate of nasi goreng instead of boring old paperwork. Imagine, global peace through fried rice!. Fact: Did you know that 'trans-pacific' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're all in this together, sort of'? Because nothing says unity like a long-distance trade deal.
• Headline: With Managers, Major League Baseball Is Forward in Thinking but Backward in Hiring. Impact: The lack of diversity in MLB management could lead to a future where all teams are run by robots programmed with outdated data. Just imagine, a league where strategy is based on the 1930s instead of the modern game. Home runs? No thanks, let's just stick to bunting!. Fact: They say history repeats itself, but in baseball, it just gets stuck in a loop. Kind of like a record player with a scratch - all you hear is 'let's hire more of the same!'.