OCTOBER 24, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pandora's Shares Decline Amid Rising Competition. Impact: Pandora's plunge sent shockwaves through the music streaming industry, causing hipsters everywhere to reconsider their loyalty and leading to an unexpected renaissance of mixtapes and CDs, because nostalgia apparently fixes everything.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, people will ask you to 'send them a playlist' instead of giving you their actual mixtape? Yeah, progress..
• Headline: Uber Seeks Additional $1 Billion Funding. Impact: Uber's insatiable thirst for cash sparked a funding frenzy that resulted in every college student with a few bucks and a dream suddenly declaring themselves a 'start-up entrepreneur,' thus flooding the world with apps nobody asked for.. Fact: Fun fact: By 2025, Uber will be funding space taxis, because why not? The only limit is our imagination... and a billion dollars..
• Headline: Volkswagen Emissions Scandal Uncovered Late. Impact: Volkswagen's scandal not only delayed their credibility but also sparked a global movement for transparency in corporations, resulting in a future where executives have to undergo lie detector tests before giving interviews. Spoiler: They won't pass.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, the phrase 'I heard it through the grapevine' will be considered legitimate corporate communication? Nothing says trust like a rumor..
• Headline: Bush Cuts Costs, Carson Eclipses Trump in Iowa and G.O.P. Frets. Impact: Bush's cost-cutting measures and Carson's rise created a perfect storm of political chaos that ultimately led to a reality TV star becoming president. Truly, a tale as old as time—if time were a twisted joke.. Fact: Did you know that in an alternate timeline, the GOP decided to nominate a talking dog instead of a human candidate? It was a tough choice, but the dog had better approval ratings..
• Headline: The 57-Year-Old Chart That Is Dividing the Fed. Impact: The 57-year-old chart's divisive nature led to an eternal debate within the Fed, ultimately resulting in the creation of an entirely new field called 'Philosophical Economics,' where theorists argue whether money can truly buy happiness or just a really nice yacht.. Fact: Fun fact: In a bizarre twist, future economists will claim that the Phillips curve is actually a pizza pie chart—because who doesn't love pizza?.