OCTOBER 14, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Financial Dispute at Tribune Newspapers. Impact: This dispute could lead to the formation of an underground newspaper society where journalists rally against their corporate overlords. Who knows? In a few decades, we might have a Pulitzer Prize for 'Most Dramatic Revenue Projection Dispute.'. Fact: Fun fact: 'Dispute' is just a fancy word for 'we can't agree on how to squeeze more money from the same tired readers.'.
• Headline: Hedge Fund Trends: Growth Amid Closures. Impact: The sinking of those hedge funds may have sparked a new trend where the wealthy start investing in artisanal cheese instead. Thus, a cheese renaissance was born, leading to a global shortage of brie and a rise in hipster cheese shops.. Fact: Did you know that hedge funds are just regular funds wearing expensive suits and pretending to be smarter than everyone else? Spoiler: They aren't!.
• Headline: In Courts, Running Out the Clock on Obama Immigration Plan. Impact: The ongoing legal battles around Obama's immigration plan could set a precedent for future administrations to just enact everything through executive order. We might end up with a future where every president just decides to do whatever they want based on how they feel that day.. Fact: Did you know that legal reviews are basically the bureaucratic equivalent of a toddler throwing a tantrum? 'No, you can't have ice cream until you've eaten your broccoli!'.
• Headline: Review: ‘Ugly Lies the Bone,’ With Mamie Gummer as a Combat Veteran. Impact: Mamie Gummer's portrayal of a combat veteran may lead to a wave of Hollywood films that finally take PTSD seriously, or it could result in a series of action films that end with the soldier sitting quietly in a therapist's office. Either way, Hollywood might finally be forced to reckon with reality.. Fact: Fun fact: Actors playing veterans often have to go through rigorous training to understand the trauma, but they still get to go home to their plush Hollywood mansions afterward. Reality? Who needs it!.