OCTOBER 7, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Volkswagen's Diesel Emission Controversy. Impact: Volkswagen’s quest for a green seal led to a flurry of diesel scandals, which eventually inspired an entire generation of future car buyers to say, 'Nah, I'll just walk.' This nonchalant attitude toward eco-friendliness triggered a renaissance in public transport and a deep-seated fear of diesel engines, causing a butterfly to flap its wings and create a smog-free utopia in the distant future. Or, you know, just more bicycles.. Fact: Did you know that Volkswagen’s emissions scandal was so significant it made the phrase 'clean diesel' as trustworthy as 'diet soda'?.
• Headline: Teamsters' Pension Fund Faces Major Cuts. Impact: The Teamsters’ pension fund warning sent shockwaves through the retirement systems of America, causing future retirees to stockpile canned goods and practice their bartering skills. This chain reaction eventually resulted in a thriving underground economy based on handmade crafts and artisanal cheeses.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more precarious than a Teamsters pension fund is your uncle's investment strategy in beanie babies..
• Headline: Chaffetz's Bid for House Speaker Explained. Impact: Chaffetz's quixotic bid for House Speaker paved the way for future politicians to realize that charisma can sometimes be a substitute for qualifications. This led to a series of elections where the most popular TikTok influencer could potentially become president, sending the political landscape into a tailspin of absurdity.. Fact: Did you know that running for House Speaker is basically like auditioning for a reality show? You just need the right mix of theatrics and questionable policy ideas!.
• Headline: Doubts Circle Viacom, Vanguard of Yesteryear. Impact: Viacom's struggles were a wake-up call for the entertainment industry, leading to the rise of streaming platforms that made binge-watching a national pastime. Somewhere in the future, historians will point to this moment as the exact time when people decided to stop pretending they read books.. Fact: Did you know that Viacom’s stock drop was so dramatic it made soap operas look like a boring documentary about grass growing?.
• Headline: Review: ‘Old Times,’ Where the Past Is a Dangerous Place. Impact: The revival of 'Old Times' reminded audiences that the past is a dangerous place, leading to a resurgence in retro-themed events where people awkwardly reenact historical moments. This led to an explosion of hipster cafés serving coffee in antique cups, because nothing says 'I appreciate history' like overpriced lattes.. Fact: Did you know that Harold Pinter's works are like existential puzzles? You either love them or you’re just really confused while sipping your artisanal coffee..