OCTOBER 3, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trans-Pacific Partnership Negotiations Extended. Impact: If only those trade ministers had closed the deal back then, we might have avoided a global scramble for avocado toast prices today. Instead, they extended negotiations, which led to the rise of artisanal guacamole—thanks a lot, TPP.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing longer than the negotiations for the TPP was the list of excuses for why they didn’t just use Zoom..
• Headline: Automakers Request Emissions Testing Flexibility. Impact: The automakers' plea for leniency on emissions testing sparked a chain reaction. As they pushed for 'real world testing', suddenly everyone realized their cars weren't just bad for the planet, but also for their wallets—hello, gas prices!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing cleaner than a laboratory test is the air in a fictitious utopia where cars run on rainbows?.
• Headline: Community Remembers Oregon Shooting Victims. Impact: This tragic event sent ripples through time, igniting conversations about safety, mental health, and community resilience. Ironically, it also led to an explosion of memes about 'thoughts and prayers'—a true testament to our prioritization of social media over real action.. Fact: Mass shootings have become so frequent that some communities have developed a chilling routine—like rehearsing for a really grim play that nobody wants to attend..
• Headline: Cable and Satellite Ads Aim to Revamp the Industry’s Image. Impact: The desperate attempts to revamp the cable and satellite industry's image backfired spectacularly, leading to the rise of streaming services and the phrase, 'cut the cord'—a mantra that became more popular than 'just one more episode.'. Fact: Isn't it delightful that the cable industry thinks it can win over customers with ads? That's like a bad boyfriend trying to buy you flowers after forgetting your anniversary—good luck with that!.