SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Market Drop Driven by Commodity Concerns. Impact: The market dip caused by investors' fears led to a global trend of over-caffeinated day traders, who now obsessively refresh their stock apps while simultaneously contemplating life choices. Thanks, commodities!. Fact: Did you know that if you stare at a stock chart long enough, it starts to look like the plot of a really bad soap opera? Spoiler alert: everyone loses..
• Headline: Obama and Putin's 2015 UN Showdown. Impact: This diplomatic showdown set the stage for a series of high-stakes poker games in international relations, leading to a new era where leaders now communicate primarily through memes and GIFs. So much for diplomacy!. Fact: Did you know that if Obama and Putin were actually playing poker, the stakes would probably be global peace? No pressure!.
• Headline: Risks in Selling Illiquid Assets. Impact: The warnings from Weinstein's case ushered in a new era of hedge fund managers investing in nothing but liquid assets, leading to an unprecedented increase in the popularity of bottled water investments. Who knew hydration could be so profitable?. Fact: Did you know that 'illiquid assets' sounds a lot like a fancy term for things you can't sell at a garage sale? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Review: ‘Fondly, Collette Richland’ Offers Open-Eyed Dreaming. Impact: The challenges faced by Elevator Repair Service in staging 'Fondly, Collette Richland' inspired a revolution in avant-garde theater, resulting in performances where even the audience had to repair their own chairs. Welcome to the future of interactive drama!. Fact: Did you know that staging a play can sometimes feel like trying to assemble IKEA furniture? You're left wondering if the instructions were written by a madman..