SEPTEMBER 13, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Airstrikes on Yemeni Civilians. Impact: This tragic event ripples through time, leading to a future where the phrase 'collateral damage' is forever etched as a euphemism for human suffering. Who knew that a single airstrike could inspire a new genre of protest poetry?. Fact: Did you know that Yemen has been in a state of crisis for so long that even the ancient ruins of Sana'a are starting to apply for asylum?.
• Headline: Germany's Border Curbs Amid Migrant Crisis. Impact: This decision led to a historical trend where countries began to erect metaphorical walls, both literally and figuratively, causing future generations to ask, 'What happened to all the kindness?' Spoiler alert: it got lost in the bureaucracy.. Fact: Did you know that Germany's motto during this crisis was 'We are all in this together!' until it became clear that 'together' meant 'on our side of the border'?.
• Headline: Jeb Bush’s Cerebral Debate Style Faces a Test: Donald Trump. Impact: This moment marked the beginning of a trend where eloquence and decorum were thrown out the window in favor of sound bites and insults, paving the way for future public discourse to resemble a reality show reunion special.. Fact: Did you know that Jeb Bush's debate prep sessions included a lot of deep breathing exercises? Because if you're going to face off against Trump, you might as well be zen about it..
• Headline: Rivalry Builds Off the Field as Talent Agencies Turn to Sports. Impact: This shift from Hollywood to sports created a world where agents now negotiate contracts that require a degree in astrophysics just to understand. Soon, actors will be competing in decathlons to prove their worth.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than a sports star's ego is the budget for their biopic? Spoiler: it usually ends with a slow-motion montage of them training..