SEPTEMBER 9, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Investment Strategies Impacting Market Volatility. Impact: In an alternate timeline, the volatility caused by investment strategies led to the invention of a time-traveling financial advisor who only gives advice based on historical stock market crashes. Investors now consult with holograms of long-dead economists, who are surprisingly still better at predicting trends than most modern analysts.. Fact: The term 'risk-parity' sounds like something you’d hear at a hipster coffee shop, but it actually involves balancing risks, not avocado toast choices..
• Headline: China Showcases Tech Power Ahead of Visit. Impact: Xi Jinping's tech flexing initiated a secret tech race where countries began to develop AI that could predict their leaders' breakfast choices, leading to world peace over the shared love for pancakes. Who knew breakfast diplomacy was the answer?. Fact: When it comes to state visits, nothing says 'we're friends' like a side of potential sanctions on the table. It's like inviting someone over for dinner and also giving them a bill..
• Headline: E.U. Nations Urged to Accept 160,000 Migrants. Impact: The push to accept migrants ignited a series of historical reenactments, where citizens dressed like their ancestors and yelled about refugees from the comfort of their couches. History buffs everywhere celebrated while simultaneously ignoring the present.. Fact: Remember when people used to flee to other countries for safety? How quaint! Now we just argue about it on social media. Progress!.
• Headline: Review: On ‘Late Show’ Premiere, Stephen Colbert Tries to Bring Big Back to Late Night. Impact: Colbert's Late Show revival led to a bizarre twist where late-night shows became a mandatory part of high school curricula, teaching kids the importance of sarcasm alongside algebra—because who doesn't need to know how to roast their math teacher?. Fact: Late-night shows used to be a thing we watched on TV, not a series of TikTok clips that disappear after 24 hours. Ah, nostalgia, when we had to wait until midnight for our laughs!.