JULY 29, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Donald Trump's Unfiltered Testimony Revealed. Impact: Trump's testimony inspired an entire generation of overstaters. Thanks to him, exaggeration became an Olympic sport, and now everyone thinks they can claim they ran a marathon without training.. Fact: Did you know that Trump once claimed to have the best words? Just imagine if he had a dictionary!.
• Headline: Investigation into JPMorgan Chase Hacking Expands. Impact: This investigation led to a worldwide hacking revolution. In a few years, every teenager will consider hacking JPMorgan a rite of passage, right next to getting a driver's license.. Fact: Did you know that hacking is the new gold rush? Too bad most hackers can't seem to find a decent Wi-Fi signal!.
• Headline: Nikkei's Ambitious Acquisition of Financial Times. Impact: This purchase turned the Nikkei into a wannabe global media mogul. Soon, they'll be hosting reality shows where business tycoons wrestle for financial supremacy.. Fact: Did you know that spending $1.3 billion on a newspaper is a great way to ensure your opinions are printed on glossy paper? Just what the world needed!.
• Headline: Prison Worker Who Aided Escape Tells of Sex, Saw Blades and Deception. Impact: Mitchell's story inspired countless prison break movies, where every character now has a backstory involving love, betrayal, and saw blades. Hollywood couldn't resist!. Fact: Did you know that prison breaks are surprisingly popular in movies? It's like the ultimate escape room, but with more drama and fewer snacks..
• Headline: How Germany Prevailed in the Greek Bailout. Impact: Germany's victory in the bailout set a precedent for future financial negotiations. Now, every time a country asks for help, they just hear 'Have you tried being more German?'. Fact: Did you know that the German economy is so strong it could probably lift Thor's hammer? And still manage to balance a budget!.