JULY 25, 2015

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mets Struggle at the Plate This Season. Impact: If the Mets had actually hit something, we might have ended up with a world where baseball was taken seriously. Instead, we have a cosmic joke that keeps on giving, like a cursed baseball glove being passed down generations.. Fact: Did you know that being a Mets fan is a great way to practice patience? You’ll need it when your team is in a constant state of rebuilding. Or maybe a state of denial..
• Headline: Concerns Over Chinese Cyber Espionage. Impact: This breach opened the floodgates for a new era of paranoia, where spies began using carrier pigeons and smoke signals to communicate. Who knew hacking would lead to a revival of ancient communication methods?. Fact: Did you know that the best way to keep your spies safe is to put them on a reality TV show? At least that way their identities will be hidden in plain sight..
• Headline: Elena Delle Donne: W.N.B.A. Superstar Emerges. Impact: Delle Donne's rise could lead to a future where women's sports gain the same attention as men's, or at least a future where people stop asking, 'Wait, there’s a WNBA?'. Fact: Did you know that being the face of the W.N.B.A. also includes the title of 'Defender of the Three-Point Line'? It’s a tough gig, but someone’s gotta do it..
• Headline: Muffled in the Hamptons, Uber Makes Some Noise. Impact: Uber's struggles in the Hamptons could lead to an alternate universe where everyone just walks or rides bicycles. Imagine that, a world where everyone is fit and less likely to complain about traffic!. Fact: Did you know that Hamptons residents would rather fight a bear than share their roads with ride-sharing services? It’s a matter of principle, obviously..